The Gardens - In the Beginning

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Sometimes life's like a giant clothes pin clamped to my head, and the headache never ends.



I'm a bit melancholy today.  I get that way when I have too much idle time on my hands, as I do this day.  I feel myself wanting to wish my life into something more than it is, to rise above those feelings of mediocrity that choose to hang out with me this morning.

A good movie, workout in the gardens, or a cat on my lap will break this spell, but for now as I'm taking a break from working on the layout of my cluttered workroom and putting together the babies breakfasts before they begin to eye me as vittles, I'm just a little blue as my life crawls before my eyes in all its mediocre ways.

Raised to get married and depend on a husband, I feel like I've spent a lifetime trying to pry off those shackles of limitations.  I attract what I am, and have set my family's heads spinning with the number of husbands that have come and gone; husbands that I had hoped would be salvation, but of course never were.

I had one year of college accomplished, a degree was to be my meal ticket to better days; but life has a way of throwing nuts and bolts into the works, and the support was never there with the ones I aligned myself with.

My home seems so little, and way too small for pets, but it is my home.  The front porch is a quiet place to sit and watch the neighborhood surrounding me slowly fading into deterioration.

I like wood furniture, but I've settled for metal, glass, particleboard and a few very nice pieces, only a few.

Children would have been nice, but my picks of spouses were ones already with children living elsewhere; and their unkind past tense spouses were excruciating footnotes in my life.

I have a tiny book, a present, with the tiny letters Acceptance imprinted on the cover.  I grumbled a bit when I opened that postal package...I grumbled about what a crap present it was, and stuck it on a shelf out of sight in my closet.  To me it was a negative word, the equivalent of giving up, a big time loser word...I hated it.  It meant living in denial to have that feeling of perfection I craved, and we all know denial is imperfection at its max.

Then I was given a little secret of enlightenment, as I lightened my pocket book in therapy.  The more I say something, the more I think it, and the more I think it, the more I believe it, and the more I believe it, the more it becomes my life...so I'm reminding myself again this morning; this morning that's dragging on forever and ever, that I really do have a life that's been worth living, even though it's been riddled with all those imperfections.

I did find that tiny book hidden away in my closet, with those tiny letters Acceptance imprinted on the cover.  That little book of short quotes that seem quite positive after all, and I'm on my way back to my workroom right now to read a few more pages from it again.







13 comments:

  1. That sounds like a book I need to check out. I love quotes. Some really speak to me.

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  2. Here's a virtual hug from the UK for you on your blue day.

    If you crave positivity . . . try reading The Law of Attraction book by Jack Canfield. I have personally been amazed by it. It just seems to make perfect sense and isn't preachy!

    Hugs, Sandra

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  3. My goodness but you sound like me. I hope today finds you with many opportunities to get above the melancholy. I know how hard that is but if you can find a way, that would be so wonderful!

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  4. P. S. My baby blanket that I am making is a woven piece. It is on my Schacht floor loom and is in process.

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  5. Your feelings ARE important and just know I'm someone who does cares, been there, still there, dreams have gone by the wayside, don't let that smiling pic fool you..
    We carry so much baggage and sometimes it really gets heavy.. both good days and bad days.. neither lasts forever, so when I'm having a good one , I thoroughly enjoy it.for sure it will pass. .. ((Hugs)) BJ

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  6. Acceptance...boy is that a word. A hard one to swallow. Perfection is no longer a word in my vocabulary. Probably because in the 36 yrs of marriage I tried so hard to be, but everything I did wasn't. And now going thru a nasty divorce is something I was in denial for a very long time.
    As my Dad used to say..."just keep putting one foot in front of the other".
    Hang in there hun. "this too shall pass"....I dislike that one but it's true.
    Sending comforting hugs
    xo deb

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  7. That is deep....but glad one can post exactly what we feel...sometimes our inadequacy, worthlessness, and failures (in our eyes). I think we all have days like this, today I wrote about what a 'mean mom' I have been. We all make mistakes and find it hard to forgive ourselves. Tomorrow is another day, hopefully a much better day!

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  8. The more I say something, the more I think it, and the more I think it, the more I believe it, and the more I believe it, the more it becomes my life...so very true. I too would recommend The Law of Attraction.
    Such a 'human' post, we all have moments like these ... sending a hug your way x

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  9. Dreams are what keep us going. Sending hugs your way.

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  10. Clipped - forgiveness is limitless.

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  11. Sensitive people have this in common...

    Pearl

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  12. Y, you made the end of my day worthwhile with you comment on my blog.. I'll say it there , but just wanted you to know ..it meant a lot.. and You will always be a part of my blog.. (Hugs) BJ

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  13. OH MY GOSH!!! IT TOOK ME OVER 15!!! attempts to comment on you blog! phfff my my! and now i completely lost what i was gonna tell you! (BEEEPPPPPPP)!

    girl its gonna get better! just keep on trying! ;-)
    Leontien

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