I've always thought adversity and heartache, burdens and misfortunes; mingled with gladness and comfort, good fortune and self-indulgence were the abstracts in life that made it all so darn super interesting…even though at times our destiny, as it unfolds, makes us want to run for our lives to the nearest exit.
Friendships, pseudo-friendships, trust, misplaced trust, believing, questioning, speculations that are sometimes obvious, other times invisible, coupled with logic, instincts, and luck…all that pretty much determines our successes and our failures, determines whether we are losers or winners…labels we sometimes attach to ourselves, but mostly to others.
Am I a success? I’d like to think so, but it all depends on how one chooses to look at the individual and the whole. I've had tremendous successes and I've had miserable failures. It’s all by-products of a life lived to the max. We can be fatalistic or we can be optimistic at how we view our lives unabridged. Chose positive! The other choice just leads down the wrong road to the wrong destination in a bad way.
I had a sole mate and am dealing with the misplaced trust issues, although instinctively I knew there was a hint of problems, with the family; issues that run deeper than I could have ever imagined. In dad’s obituary they were listed as survivors, in his we’re not mentioned at all. There’s a lot of hate that has surfaced and I can only console myself that I truly was loved by this individual.
We were an open book to each other. We talked about ourselves, feelings, family and the future. We trusted each other completely and kept no secrets. They think they can hurt me, but they don’t know me very well. I've had to divorce the wonderful memories of him from the awful truth about them with me.
A beautiful day as I look out my window, a day for tinkering in the gardens and relaxing on the swing with fond memories drifting through my thoughts. And yes, as with the ending of that last bitter email I received, I do enjoy my cats immensely, and my dog, and my niece, and my husband and all my truly great friends.