The Gardens - In the Beginning

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Sitting on Empty a Million Miles from Nowhere...

Sitting here on empty, my brain’s a blank landscape.  There’s plenty of thankfulness and just as much non-thankfulness.  When we lose one blessing another is often most unexpectedly given in its place.  Why are we collectors of clever little sayings?  They’re really only for the people who don’t hurt, to surround themselves with warm fuzzy upbeat feelings.  For all of us who hurt, words offer no comfort to a heart that’s bleeding sorrow.

My Thanksgiving post…this is my Thanksgiving post because the holiday’s just around the next two corners and I don't feel like writing much more after this.  I need to gather my thoughts into a soft velvet bag, tie the cords up tight, and bury it in the back yard under three feet of dirt, take a deep breath and start fresh. 

Never plan a thing for this holiday.  It’s just a day off from work…my good, unless company comes…then I try to dream up a feast for the gods.  BUT…company seldom comes on November what-ever, so I’m usually safe in abandoning the date.  What are my favorite dates, did you not ask, but I’m going to pretend that you did?  I’m partial to the calendar day I was born, as in my small corner of this immense universe, I can selfishly claim it as all mine.  For a whole day I get to celebrate how important I think I am all the rest of the year.
Christmas…my second and only other holiday I live all year for its appearance, to openly celebrate what I keep in my heart all the rest of the year.  Love company, but seldom have it, and with husband overseas for another six months, it’s just me, five cats and a dog to take all the splendor in with awe and bask in the warmth of the season surrounded by chilly weather and sleeping landscapes.

A nod of deep affection to those who have left me at this stage of my life…my mother Helen, my brother Bob, and sweet kitties Andee and Travis.  You are so missed.  At this moment, feeling beaten up by life, I don't seem able to rise above the ashes anymore.  I want to fade into the background for a while to rest and heal my soul in quiet, and I will heal...eventually.  Isn't it a bitch, that which matters most, always takes it sweet time to arrive?


Sunday, November 2, 2014

Mindless in La La Land

I learned a devastating lesson last week at another’s expense.  I’m wondering why, in all my years of heartache and disappointment intermingled with hopefulness and good fortune, it’s taken me so long to finally become cynical enough to trust only my own judgment, to embrace the fact that others are quite capable of dropping me flat on my face, because it’s my face that’s smashed…not theirs.  Then they blow me off with sorry in the phrase and move on to not caring enough again.

I cannot even begin to fathom the blankness of a mind, the indifference it encompasses, to put a creature in a carrier and not latch the door…not even semi-latch it in careless haste or apathetic repetitious boredom.  It’s their obligation to their occupation and evidently a very lightly taken one.

Such a sweetheart and each time the back door was opened he wanted into our home so badly.  The choice was easily made to have him neutered, shots, and welcomed into our lives permanently.  Picked up from the vet at closing time in the dark and pounding rain, before I reached the car he pushed open his carrier door and disappeared into the night.

The clinic bought a trap, but days of no communication on their part, and feeling like a dentist trying to pull out all their teeth with each call I make, I don’t trust them anymore.  They led me to believe they cared, but after four days of phone calls on my part, they finally told me the only time they saw him was the night he disappeared.  The location was in the opposite direction of his escape, and the fact that I had to produce a photo so they knew what he even looked like, leaves me doubting he was ever spotted at all.

I walked the area around the clinic…I don’t even know where I would begin looking each morning and night.  It’s an area of miles and miles of businesses and offices without places for refuge.  He had a good home and was loved.  Now he has nothing.  Taken in a car to a place many miles away, I have little hope he will ever make his way back home…but I do hope.  It’s all I have now.  The garage door’s cracked open and his heating pad bed is still plugged in, and I wait.  And I’m crying again.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

The Jamie Files - Tale 4 Conversations with a Cat

I’m out of here!

What do you mean – you’re out of here?  You can’t reach the door knobs.


Why aren't you a happy kitty?

Four cats too many.

I’ll have to agree that sometimes I wish I had one cat less.

I don’t like Lacey either.

Ha-ha-ha…okay we’ll let that one go, kitty pesky-cakes.  Ever thought of sharing?

Please define.

You know, more than one cat to a cat tree.

Who, me!?!?!?!?

You do know that the two new ones are your mother and uncle.

Please talk to me in cat English.

The one that brought you into this world, and the cat that was born with her.

So why here?  Didn't she love me?

Sometimes I have to take a deep breath and go to my quiet place.

I know what you mean, deep breathing always helps me gobble down my food faster, then everything’s quiet.

Let’s get back to sharing, my little pet peeve.

I don’t share!

Why not?

I’m a cat.

Your point being?

Cats don’t share…we’re hoggish.

How well I know.  Well, then…I guess you’ll have to stake out a claim on your favorite cat tree before the sun rises, then prepare for battle.  So, which one of the five cat trees is your favorite?

I have a fond desire for all of them all the time.  I’m a multi-taker.

You mean a multi-tasker?

I think take probably describes it better.

I think you’re probably right.

Whatever I want is right…I’m a cat…did you forget?

I wish I could.

Do you need an aspirin and a nap?

I need two glasses of wine and a foot tall cream puff.

Okay, mommy dearest, I’m off to prepare for battle.

Okay, my little terror on paws…I’m off to la-la land.

Love u mommy.

Love u 2 :(

Monday, October 6, 2014

Stop this merry-go-round and let me get off...purty pleazeee!

Been busy...
Throw a husband in there for two week,
Stir in some mischief,
with zero ounces of prevention
a pinch bunch quart cup of stress
shake to the left
shake to the right

Five little devils in cat's clothing live with me now,
a sixth peeks into the window morning and night
if a cat eats a crumb of food from your plate
he's yours for the rest of his life...
Ever heard these words?
It's true :(

Husband made his every six months pilgrimage to the local Walmart
and stuffed kitty litter bags into every nook and cranny of the house.
Hey!  Those two ton bags are heavy
and I've become puny delicate in my old older age.

Took a two week vacation from work to work...don't ask me why...I'm piggish that way.
Husband had to run for his life back overseas for some needed rest ;(

Driving a new Camry without bells and whistles.  Didn't want to be stranded when the old Solara gives up the ghost.

Locked out of my back door and locked into my back yard last night...40 degree weather in my cotton dress and sandals for two hours, br-r-r-r-r!

Guess I should feel fortunate that even though my distress yell was answered by someone with no cell phone or drivers license but claimed he was an expert at climbing chain-link fences and picking locks????? finally just sawed the lock off the gate.

Guess I should feel double fortunate that one of my neighbors finally came home from a night out on the town, and took me into their home to thaw out and call someone with a key.

Guess I should breathe a sigh of relief that tomorrow I will only be replacing my dead washer and not a dead dryer also.

Guess I should be jumping for joy that although I feel like my house is falling down around me, it's really only settling badly into the ground.

Oh, well...

Sardine Fridays!  Yah!  Yah!  Yah!!!  The day each week when the domesticated fuzzballs of this address morph into raving manics biting the hands that feed them.  A Valium guzzled down with a quart of beer is needed after that feeding frenzy of furry piranhas is done.

Time to slowly fade into another life void of this blog, as growing older waits for no one, and the time to grow in other ways doesn't last forever. I haven't much more to give all by myself here at little fourth acre gardens...

Dusk Reflection in Bird Bath

Thursday, August 21, 2014

A Rift in Eden and Time Goes On

The only silence with my regrets is that I hardly ever think of them when happy; but in sad times they all come floating to the surface like dead fish in poisoned waters.  I hurt today.  I'll get over it...I always do...but for now whenever a lull in time passes over me, crying comes with it.

Walking as a whisper on the wind, they've always been and probably always will be in the shadows of the gardens.  There's a connection with people somewhere back in their time or the mother's, and when a vagabond life turns desperate they appear out of what we perceive as nowhere trying to survive.  It's easy to assume they were just dumped, but the abandonment may have occurred seasons ago.

Some compassionate souls collect them like flies to leftovers, and life as they used to know it has been sucked down that vortex of never-ending need leaving them circling a growing black hole that becomes impossible to escape.  It's hopeless to eradicate what others have irresponsibly brought into being and continue to enable.

This whole other world of run-away thoughtlessness has always escaped me, and I have to believe that until now some kind of immense karma protected me from this fallout of human disregard, karma that malevolently sold me out at this stage of my sheltered life.

I believe enough lives were saved, lives that many judge trivial; to justify my decision to step off that spinning out of control merry-go-round and abandon the mission that was mutating way beyond my ability to cope. Someday perhaps I will feel the forgiveness I so desperately need every time that sweet face that showed up at feeding time a week ago to take food from the mouths I already was committed to protect haunts me with the resolution I chose.

Small, less than a year in age, she ate from their plates for a week.  She chose to trust me; I chose to betray her.  She never knew what was coming in her so short of a life.  How could she, after all, she was just a cat, and although we love to paste human traits onto the essences of our pets, she was still just a cat, an innocent in a world of humans not so innocent.

I left her at Metro Animal Control and walked out of her life.  I'd like to think, since she was labeled a stray instead of feral, that she had a pinch of a chance of them keeping her to adopt out, but wishful thinking is seldom a reality.  Her beautiful face will always haunt me till the end of my days, and I leave this post crying again.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

The Jamie Files - Tale 3 Conversations with a Cat

"Did you know that your mutt ran over the top of me last night when he got excited?"

"Your point being, kitty destructo?"

"He's dangerous and an irritant to Lacey."


"Did I say something funny?"

"I'm curious.  Lacey told me a different tale this morning from her perch high on top of the bookcase that you can't reach as yet."

"She's got it in for me.  She offers to play, then she hisses and tries to kick all my fur off when I oblige."

"Playing, hmmmmm...Lacey called it something different."

"I told you, mommy dearest, she totally has it in for me.  To believe her tales of fantasy would be a grave mistake."

"Are you threatening me, kitty butt pain?"

"Oh no mommy, kiss kiss, I love you to pieces.  I like playing with you too, even though you get a little rough booting me about with the foot, making me hold on for dear life with my teeth and claws."

" seem to have an odd perception as to the meaning of play."

"I'll make it up to Lacey; I promise, mommy."

"Really!  I see your front and back legs crossed.  Isn't that a little uncomfortable?"

"Not at all, mommy...not at all."

"I think your 537th play date with the calico was the last straw."

"An exaggeration!  It can't be more than 400."

"She mentioned a mission to wipe your memory off the face of the earth."

"Why would my memory be on the face of the earth?"

"I don't think that was quite what she meant, kitty clueless."

"I'm just a happy kitten, making happy, happy all around me."

"Pardon me, while I go look for a shovel."

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The Jamie Files - Tale 2 Conversations with a Cat

"Problem solving...while felines and their inquisitive thirst for knowledge kind of open mindedness that brilliantly cool cats always possess, approach a problem head on with maybe a few lug nuts reducing to ashes the first of their nine lives; brownnosing dogs, falling all over their masters, remain so discombobulated (how does he even know what that word means?) when their sniffing schnozes discover a problem, that they must then present it to master to solve."  

This bit of unsolicited insight was left for me to mull over as that meddling, nosy little snoop sat on the bottom shelf of the opened cupboard with a frizzed ended Q-Tip sticking out his mouth and a chewed up carefree pad resting under his butt.  I visualized a hot pursuit of child-proof paraphernalia in my near future.

Scooting him off the shelf with my bare foot, silly me...let's rephrase that...attempting to keep that rolled up ball of razor sharp teeth and needlepoint claws from perforating my bare foot as I nudged him towards the edge of his kingdom of mayhem and onto the floor, I wondered if this entry into kitty purgatory was a sign that the apocalypse was just around the next corner.

A yes-mommy fido contently looking at a closed cupboard for the rest of his life, while this paw manipulating Houdini is accidentally shutout behind a door knob apparatus is beginning to look tremendously exciting.

Thomas and Casey are now Simba and Smokey ;) so totally not me, but then again they are so totally not mine anymore.  They've moved up a notch or two on the plush scale of easy living in an elite neighborhood.  I tried purring, but their new owners thought I was too grown up to take in and settled for the four month old's instead.  I was so happy...until a third face showed up for dinner last night :(  This seems to be the beginning of the never ending never ending never ending story.  Oh, pooh!

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