The Gardens - In the Beginning

Friday, October 29, 2010

All Hallow's Eve Night

In the darkened night,
earth delivers fright,
of creepy crawlies,
goolies and bullies,
and all the nastys,
evil so delights...

Midnight hour tolls,
hair stands up on end,
I'm poised on my toes,
body tensing in fear,
a touch in the dark,
screams all the way home!

Halloween's just hype,
we all know that...right?
I see what's not there,
it's all in my head,
so why this feeling,
danger follows me?

At home locked up tight,
the whispers, the moans,
the beats of my heart,
I'm smothered in noise,
from this night save me,
anyone, I plead.

Nightmares give me fright,
things cannot be right,
when monsters I sight,
by my bed tonight,
then covers pulled tight,
with all of my might.

I want my mommy!!!

Thoughts, in short lines, under each other.  Any resemblance to poetry is purely in your head.  All rhyming is merely coincidental.  Gather 'round my little pumpkins and have either a delightfully frightful, or a frightfully delightful All Hallow's Eve Night.

 and a bit of nonsense.


O, thou round, savored morsel
That betwixt my teeth should crumble
Better still if thou were spared
 To ornate my platter in royal state
But alas, my creature of raisins and oats
To bear thy countenance growing stale
Would be too cruel a suffering
While my stomach groans and ails.


Spotted 'bove my window ledge

dangling through his raveled web,

trapped within my cubical

of sanitary obstacles,

decayed, he waits upon the thread.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Miss Ivy's Garden

Severe thunder storm warning - shear winds - tornado watch - tornado warning - giant hail - front line winds - funnel cloud - rotating wall cloud - tornado spin up - wind at 84 mph - temperature rising from 70 to 85 degrees in 15 minutes - not a good sign - your tornado safe tornado safe place...what the hell is house is built like a shack underneath the okay I feel safe in any possible area of this questionable structure...hell no!!!  The Nashville is a great place to live brochures conveniently mention nothing of the possibilities of tornadoes in this town; we were caught completely off guard in our first year with tornado warnings blasting away on our television screen.

Sunday evening was totally occupied by severe thunder storms passing over the house one after another, after another, after another; blasting, rumbling thunder rattling the walls quite effectively.  Surprisingly, Dustin and Zoe, my severe storm freaking out pets, remained mostly calm...perhaps something to do with the new insulated windows...who knows, but it was a pleasant surprise not to have Dustin plastered to my legs when I tried to moved about.  Only one tornado to the north of us, and two to the south of us in what I call Tennessee's Tornado Alley.  Thank goodness, our guardian angel, prevented us from setting up housekeeping there.

Yesterday afternoon, boss told me to stay home today; and boy, am I now glad I heeded his advice.  It was so totally awesome this morning watching those thick black clouds covering the sky so fast, and creating that effect of darkness as if it was that time of day for the sun to set.  News says a tornado passed over an area not far from my park work place.  Another tornado to the south of us, and now at this very moment there is a tornado traveling on the ground far south of us and another one moving to the east of us.  Now it is 60 degrees outside...temperature is fluctuating all over the place with this series of storms.     

Once upon a time, whenever that year was the tornado passed right over the top of Nashville, I was so unlucky to be working downtown at a small state park right in the middle of the city.  Stood at the window watching a huge wall of rotating wind approaching, all of us running down the stairwell as the skylight glass above us shattered and rained pieces of glass down upon us.  Depression was instant when I realized my car was parked in front of the building in the tornado's path.  Imagine my amazement when I discovered my car untouched, but all the cars in the parking garage had shattered and blown out windows.  Thank you, guardian angel. 

The city next to my new work place after I transferred from Nashville, was the victim of a tornado touchdown, which found me driving an extra 40 miles on top of what I usually commuted, trying to find a way home that night that wasn't totally blocked by severe damage.  The year after, a tornado passed over the park and caused damage that took weeks to clear, thankfully that one occurred after hours.  The next tornado passed through the park, but had weakened a little, leaving mostly numerous kinds of debris from peoples houses - checks, letters, photos, insulation, siding, roofing; the park was plastered with all this debris, and hundreds of volunteers combed the park to collect all this stuff.

Raining at present, will most likely rain for rest of day and evening, as a cold front is moving in behind.  Trees and shrubs are mostly naked of leaves after all this wind and pounding rain.  I am always so pleasantly surprised by my autumn crocus goulimyi, when its blossoms peek up through the layers of colorful leaves in late fall.  I always forget that I will be blessed by the sight of its beautiful blooms as the edge of winter peaks over the ridge.  Fortunately, I photographed their beauty before they were a little messed up by all this lovely weather.  I even still have purple coneflowers that are blooming and that is astonishing.

I'm tucked in for the day, snacking on a new find, Greek yogurt with pineapple, love it.  I'm discovering daytime television which is okay as long as I don't have to deal with those awful soap operas, which just aren't my cup of tea.  Have settled for the Ellen DeGeneres show, which is turning out to be simply or complicatedly hilarious.  Headache free today, and I am happy today, any day without a headache is fantabulous.  Love you. 

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Cockroach Sitting was never my Forte

Childhood memories are a weak point...they seem like lifetimes ago.  I'll play with one for weeks until I remember enough facts or fiction...facts clear as glass, or so foggy they are best left as fiction.  Haven't a clue to the time period on this one, I'll pick junior year high school, sounds about right, it was somewhere there in my teenager years.  I was always desperate for spending funds, dad never participated in this judgement call, and mom was always slightly unreasonable with the reality of actual prices.  In all fairness, we weren't exactly the richest family on the block, but then again, neither were we the poorest.  I was at the age of discovering quality clothing, high heeled shoes, and eye  makeup.  Non-necessities were only in my life if I funded them.  

Most likely an ad in the local newspaper, who knows; my town, only about 2000 people strong, offered little variety in the odd jobs department.  I began child sitting a sweet little girl in the first years of her grade school.  Two times a week parents escaped to their out on the town nights, and I sat in this way too little apartment twiddling my thumbs, and sighing those sighs of boredom.  Super old apartments, the same ones my parents as newly weds resided at...I thought that was kind of magical, but only thought that for a short time.  No television, books, games, no nothing, except those cardboard boxes of comic books stacked on the living room floor.  Comic books were wasted money items in our household, so this was a new adventure for me, and I began to educate myself big time.

Not long into the first comic book, a little cockroach appeared on the arm of the stuffed chair I had settled into for my read.  O gawd!!!  How I hated these scum of the earth.  The German type ones, as mom called them, the ones that crunch out loud when crushed with a shoe on foot.  I was queasy about things that crunched under foot in those days, so I always found myself never being able to mash one...calling in reinforcements, and giving mom or dad the pleasure of crushing them to  death.  At home and alone, I once beat one of these hard shelled roaches in our kitchen with a straw broom, and I have to tell you, it takes many, MANY whacks to do anything to a roach like that.  I mostly beat him senseless, and had to finally resort to stepping on him ever so lightly until I heard that CRUNCH.  Uuuuuuuck!!!  

Roach disappeared before I could figure out what to do with him.  You know what happens when this type of stuff occurs.  Felt like those little suckers were crawling all over me, and it took all I had to sit back down into that chair after I hung my coat over the top of door that opened to the kitchen.  Eventually this roach visiting crap happened while my little charge was still up, and she began enlightening me to the horrors of my place of employment.  She had an awful fear of her bedroom as the roaches visited her constantly...she hated it in there.  She hated them in the refrigerator too.  Refrigerator?  Kitchen?  I never even thought past the fear of one on me in that stuffed reading chair I mostly occupied in the evenings after dark.  So I waited until darkness filled the apartment, and sneaked a peak into that kitchen.                        

Flipped on light switch...can you even begin to comprehend what it looks like...five billion roaches scattering everywhere, trying to find something to crawl under, to hide themselves from the lighted area?  I was froze, petrified, took a while to get my mouth closed.  I gingerly walked to the refrigerator and flung open the door, stepping back at the same time, to prevent a roach attack.  Wow!!!  I was trying to reason how husband and wife could live with all this roach activity each time they took something out of the fridge.  How could anyone munch on anything covered with roach tracks occupying space in this fridge with its ill-fitting door?  Maybe they loved roaches the mostest, felt most comfortable in crud, or perhaps they were the epitome of laziness at its extreme.  My choice that night was making this a playground of death. 

I was taught at an early age it was more to my advantage to just keep my mouth shut, and I guess that is why I never presented this roach problem to my employers.  Instead, on my next visit, I just sneaked in several cans of my parents roach spray, and almost asphyxiated myself, applying that foul smelling stuff to every conceivable place those filthy little beetles would call their home.  An enormous graveyard of dead roaches would have greeted my employers eyes that next morning, but neither husband nor wife ever uttered a word on the subject, and no roach carcasses laid anywhere on my next visit.  I did manage to read all those hundreds and hundreds of comic books before my employment only adventure into that world of myth and legend.  I did get my Montgomery Ward and Sears, Roebuck quality dresses and high heeled shoes.  I was living high on the hog, and it suited me well.  

Saturday, October 23, 2010

My Little Road Trip to Hell and Beyond

A memory jogged loose in my head while reading someones post the other day.  It was tucked away, hadn't thought about it for ever, and usually there is a good reason for that...meaning it is much better to let it just stay buried.  But is in my conscience brain now.  I would like to say this is either a good tale or a bad one, depending on which way your mind wonders, but was just pure horror for me at the I guess it is just plain sad.  Happened a few years past my Reno casino days, bank job months, and those Harley times.

On my own and having a hard time making ends meet, I did what no one ever wants to do (even in my time)...moved back in with mom and dad.  It was just me and my cat Michael.  I had moved enough times, and given up pets most of those times, so now I was more than determined to hold on to my cat no matter what.  He had become my anchor in my all too messed up life.

Michael had claws that never retracted, and that drove mom insane with those distressing sounds of claws sticking to carpet every time he took a step.  He wasn't use to mom and dad's place, and some heated words were exchanged with mom when she decided to get rid of him, and kicked him out of the house.  Dad and I followed him all over that yard until we finally coaxed him not to jump over the fence, and I scooped him up tight into my arms just before sunset.  Couldn't trust mom after that...she was always bitching about my Michael, so eventually we had to get out of there.

We will skip past all the in between stuff, and just say, that while I was on my own at that time in my home town in the middle of the desert, I acquired another stray cat and a husband.  Our government place of employment was being contracted out, and I really didn't want to be stuck the rest of my years in that town going when husband and I were offered government employment in Colorado Springs, we jumped at the opportunity to live in a place with trees.

Packed up our belongings into the U-Haul which husband would drive; and my two cats, Michael and Bryon, in their carriers, into the Mustang I would drive.  We hi-tailed it out of there going northeast to Ely and started across Utah, with me following the U-Haul.  Stopped somewhere for the night, don't ask me where, I haven't a clue any more.  It was the beginning of winter, a crap time to be traveling into new territory, and we were plotting how to bypass a winter storm that was off in the distance to the south.

With U-Haul parked at motel, and cats safely hiding under bed, we took the Mustang on our quest to find food for the night.  Arriving back, it was impossible to not notice the U-Haul sitting in a different location, and a semi-truck parked in its place.  We were told the semi-truck driver parked behind us, couldn't get his rig all the way in, so he drove up to the back of our U-Haul and pushed it out of his way with the doors still locked and the brake still set.  Imagine his surprise and our delight when we had him arrested and thrown in jail.  After another day, with U-Haul repaired, we resumed our trip knowing full well that we might no longer be successful in out running that winter storm off in the distance, as we were starting out quite late in the day.

The sun had set, it was miserably cold, and I was discovering that my lights would go on, then off, then on, then off...then off all together.  Somehow I determined that if the inside of car stayed cold the lights would work, if the heater was running they wouldn't work.  The only way I could guarantee the headlights would stay on was to bundled up tight in my winter coat, with knitted hat, scarf and gloves, driving 55 mph after dark with no heat, the two front windows rolled part way down, and two, distressed and perhaps a little bit too cold, cats in carriers in the back seat yowling their heads off none stop.  I drove like this right into that snow know...wind blowing so hard it is snowing sideways, and I was freezing...freaking freezing with those darn, why aren't they hoarse yet, howling, yowling, screeching, freaking cats in the back seat giving my ears and brain no relief.

Couldn't see the U-Haul in front of me, just had to hope it was still there, as this was ancient times before cell phones existed.  Had a rush of exhilarating fright when something huge and white flew across the road right in front of my windshield in all that blowing snow.  I thought it an owl, but I was never quite sure if that's really what it was.  Again, I don't remember where we spent the night, or if we even spent the night anywhere, who knows; I just remember passing into Colorado at daybreak with a snow covered landscape around us.

Colorado traveling wasn't too bad, until dark came upon us, and I discovered that my headlights were not working at all.  Remember, no cell phones - I had no way to tell husband my lights were not working.  I guess the idiot just never figured out, looking in his side view mirrors, the fact that he wasn't ever seeing lights on my car.  If I stopped, I was going to be all by myself, after dark, with snow everywhere, and temperatures below freezing.  I tell you all this, because the string of events that happened next, once set into motion, left me thinking I could not stop, if I ever wanted to survived that night.

We drove over Vail Pass after dark with thick, packed snow on the facing wrong way, sideways, off road, in ditches, whatever, and even a few crazy people standing in middle of road.  The heater's on, since lights don't work anyway, what the hell, heat that sucker up big time.  Mind you, anytime the cats were in the car they were yowling none stop, forever and ever.  Almost at the top of the summit and then one of those I can't believe this is happening to me moments, as the Mustangs accelerator stuck in high idle...meaning you're driving with the break pedal or your car will be cruising 200 mph.  Drove over the summit, no lights on, engine reving up like a plane getting ready to lift off the runway, using break pedal to speed up and slow down, cats screaming, honking horn to scatter people off roadway, and I am slowly in fast motion having a nervous meltdown as I descend on that icy road down the side of the mountain.

Lifetimes later, we finally found flat ground and the end of snow on road.  Tailgated that U-Haul all the way into Denver, and settled into motel room in a state of exhaustion after dinner met with little success in unknotting my mentally and physically contorted body.  Mustang needed repairs, and Colorado Springs would just have to wait.

I didn't realize until several years later, that trip marked the beginning of the end of my marriage, to that piece of shit.  He never forgave me for being so upset at the end of the trip, and whatever I said to him in those moments of hysteria, he held against me for the rest of his time with me.  I was the last one to know that for more than a year he was having a long distance affair...don't you just love friends who choose to leave you in the dark when they know all this is happening?

Worked hours upon hours of overtime, weekdays and weekends, as he refused to leave and I had nothing to survive on my own.  He even had the nerve to make a phone call to his girl friend while I was in the room with him, he expected me to let him have a private conversation...what an ass.   I just sat down beside him listening and making comments, he finally stormed out of house madder then hell.  I was a stinker, it suited me, and he deserved it.

I just couldn't believe that at one time I thought he was my entire world, and that he would love me forever.  You win some and you loose some, and after much thought, I knew I was the winner in loosing this one.  Picked up the pieces and moved on.  I was becoming good at picking up the pieces and moving on.  I seemed to be doing that way too often.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

My life as it is...

In a way, I don't really tell you how my days are going throughout the weeks and months.  It's just not my style.  All things I write about are things that have happened to me or are happening to's just that instead of a personal diary type thing, they come out in story form, and that's just the way it is.

I work hard at being a totally positive individual; but that said, I truly am not constantly a sunshiny person.  I have bouts of anger, disappointments and hurt, but it is the positive attitude that sees me through it all and keeps me stable and well.  I enjoy life immensely, and I strive to make it as good as I can for myself and those around me.

I used to look at my face in the mirror, and wonder how did I ever get to looking so terribly sad.  Being in possession of one of those stress testing cards, I could never, ever get it to be anything but black.  Had to give up on it, as it was becoming a stress factor in its self.

I had been trying to leave a greeting on the answer machine at work, but each time I tried and played it back it sounded like I was contemplating suicide.  After several days and my boss getting on to me about procrastinating, I finally waited until no one was in the office and tried to complete this hopeless project.

I made myself smile and laugh a whole bunch, then I recorded the message.  I must have erased, smiled, and ha ha ha laughed my head off and recorded that message five or six times, but I finally did get a fairly decent greeting of positively you'll love this place attitude.

You know how it is when someone greets you and asks you how you are, and they really don't want to know how you's just a polite greeting?  My comeback to those greetings became I'm fantastic, great, on top of the world; even if I had a splitting headache, depression from an argument, or worried about not enough money for the rest of the month.

And you know what...everyone believed me, and said that was wonderful.  Heck, I said those greetings so many times that I started believing them myself...and that is when a positive attitude began to get a bit of a grip on me.  Happiness rubs off on you and others around you and chases off the die hard negatives.

I used to hate my life, marriage sucked, everything drove me crazy, and I felt so truly smothered in grief and self pity.  Changing my attitude was one step, but I had to accomplish something else before I could feel any kind of contentment.  Acceptance.  I hated that word.  It meant giving up.  It meant living with crap when there was nothing else I could do.

Took years to understand that acceptance is just letting people be who they are, and things what they are...and not taking everything so personally.  It is why I still have a decent relationship with my mom, why I'm still married after 23 years, why I can walk through hell without it destroying me.

If you read my old post, The Trekking Poles...while written more as a comedy, it marked the beginning of years of health problems for me.  I already had a hidden foot problem and that hike bruised it badly, then it was shoe inserts and walking barefoot only on carpets.  Hips were thrown out of balance, and that took a very long year to correct.

Walking was my enemy during that time of healing, but I had to walk.  Husband was still at home, and he took care of all the things I couldn't do.  He was wonderful.  This year my right knee hyper-extended, nothing spectacular, just gave way as I walked to the kitchen, and it has been nearly impossible to return to a normal life.

Husband's not here to help this time around.  Throw into that mix the tendency to get excruciating tension headaches accompanied with stiff neck and/or pinched shoulder blade, and you're beginning to see how many of my days evolve if I am not careful.

Lots of problems out there with people that have it so much worse than me by a long shot; but these are my problems, they affect me a lot and they are pain to me.  Most of my yard has become a weedy nightmare, as doctor has been threatening me with surgery if I keep re-hurting my knee.

I was finally improving and close to walking normal, then THUD...stubbed big toe on base of cat tree in my workroom when my brace was off (of course, nothing ever happens when it is on), and jarred my knee so badly that we thought I was going to be a candidate for knee surgery anyway.  My body takes its time in healing, so several months later I was once again walking near normal.

That is until last week, when I didn't quite lift my right foot high enough and stubbed it on the concrete steps outside...foot stopping, but rest of me just kept going.  There I was lying across those concrete steps with the skin scrapped off the bottom of my hyper-extended knee, grove line scratches across elbow, thigh taking the brunt of the blow, instant excruciating headache, and I was panicking, the only thought in my knee, my knee, is it okay?

I think it's the only time I have ever been so thankful for chubby, flabby thighs.  Of course, things like this only happen after hours, so not much sleep that night with that gawd awful headache and an achy breaky body.  Chiropractor thumped me back into place the next morning, and I am sort of near normal with mostly a problem of swollen leg and ankle that feels like my skin is going to pop open at any minute.

I'm sleeping on my back through most of these painful times, so I don't screw up my knee even worse.  I sleep badly on my back.  Waking up with a headache is a given if I have been lying down more than 4 hours, and I cannot always shake it off before the end of my day.  I hardly ever get enough sleep.  Most of my nights are 4 hours or less.  I was sick this week, mostly, I think from so much lack of sleep.  What I would give for 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep with no headache at the end of the 12th hour.

Managed to do half a day of light work in the gardens, but so much cleaning up that only 3 plants finally were tucked into their place for the winter.  That leaves 11 to go.   Sometimes, where I imagined a plant will work in theory when ordering, just doesn't quite work out in reality.  I'm stuck racking my brain for a substitute plan, and a solution isn't always just around the corner.

25 lily bulbs...why did I ever think I could find places to tuck in 25 lily bulbs?  I must of had a true senior moment of temporary insanity.  I'm not feeling all that great at the moment, so tomorrow will likely see the rest of plants just resting on the deck for another day.

Been thinking about writing a post on clipped wings and myself, but there are people who will read it that shouldn't read it.  That means I have to edit things out of it.  I don't like chopping my thoughts all to hell.  I want it to be true to myself, so I haven't a clue as to how I will handle it or if I will handle it at all.

Writing would be less complicated if there was only me, myself, and I to consider, but then I think it would not be as colorful and exciting.  I don't like being bored, and my life has definitely been anything but boring, from birth until now.

Clipped wings was something I just grabbed onto as I needed an just popped into my head.  What probably took others minutes to do, took me hours to do, as I tried to set up my blog to perfection...what a crock!

Upon retrospect there are always real reasons why we choose what we choose, and I do feel like my wings were clipped.  For many reasons I never grew new feathers to fly into the heavens.  I don't know if I ever will.   

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Why is my life always a worse case scenario?

I hate my lousy, crap, crud, junk on wheels car!!!

I'm liberating myself of it's negativity,
that miserable hunk of regret.

Good riddance - au revoir - arrivederci
sayonara - vamoose - poof!!!

Don't waste my time
 with blah! blah!! blah!!!
I need personality, babe,

What...what is that...across the way...
see...I need a closer look...

A cool, sleek, red, red, red,
 spanking brand new,
love of my life, estacy on wheels!!!

I'm married to this new love
 for better or for worse,

My baby's brand new,
and I swear there must be a sign
 somewhere in back that declares, 
hit me, Hit Me, HIT ME!!! 

Cause she's hit from the right,
 crunched big time,
 poor baby, 
repairs take weeks,
wah wah wah boo hoo.

Poor, pooooooor baby...

Next year, she's sideswiped on the right,
 in speeding traffic, by a jalopy
that forgot there was more than one lane.

Poor, poor, pooooooor baby...

Year after that, she's keyed
 front, right, back, and left sides
with some extra flourishes
 of arrows and choice words;
she was a conversation piece for several years,
until restoration funds could be collected.

Poor baby is beginning to look
 a little rough around the edges,
and a bit too ugly for any kind words.

She has leaks that no one seems to be able to fix,
water puddles on the right side floor,
and covers the inside windows
with a layer of moisture,
day, after day, after day, in the winter...

I often wish I could just phase her
right out of my life completely...

Good riddance - au revoir- arrivederci
sayonara - vamoose - poof!!!

but I'm stuck with her till death do us part...
being careful on this one,
as I am none too keen
on it being mine first.

I suck it in...
I deal with it...
Is there anyone out there
who has bought a bridge lately?

She's my #1 source of heartburn,

she drudges on...

and on...

and on.

So......I've become somewhat of a recluse,
venturing no further,
than my own two feet will take me.

Oh! I so long to end this chapter
 in the book of my life...

but, if granted wishes were supplimented by $'s
 under my pillow by the wish fairy,
I'd be the poorest kid on the block.'s just me
 and my ailing Toyota Solara,
and ever,
and ever.

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