January Blues

DREAMS

Hold fast to dreams

For if dreams die

Life is a broken-winged bird

That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams

For when dreams go

Life is a barren field

Frozen with snow.

Langston Hughes

When I was a youngster, I thought everything would be within my reach at some stage in my life.  Then I became immersed in the sea of job hunting, and feeling like I was sinking to the bottom of the ocean.

I could sell myself well in interviews, so while I was expected to jump right in as a seasoned employee, I was not a seasoned employee.  The struggles were immense to overcome, but it was the only way I could get jobs that paid me enough to survive with a roof over my head and food.

It was a crap way to work, but I was on my own with help coming from nowhere.  I worked hard, was sometimes out of my depth, but lucky; and it was the best I could do for myself.  I suppose that is all we can ever hope for.

Dreams were downgraded year after year until any that were left became sand sifting through my fingers into oblivion.  I improvised.  If one door closed on me, another one was found that I could enter.  I never settled for less, I settled for different.

Was this ideal?  Probably not, but I worked my butt off with what I had to use, and that’s as good as it gets.  I suffer bouts of depression these days from feeling like I should have been able to do better.  It’s such a lonely place… this feeling of despair, and such a deep hole to dig oneself out of.

So… I guess this is your middle of January gloomy doomy blues of a post to fit the season.  I let go of the last dream I clung to ages ago, so maybe that is why life sometimes feels like a barren field frozen with snow, but never a broken-winged bird.

I have cats to soothe me and a garden to dream about.  I also have Peperomia houseplants waiting to be repotted, a sister, a niece, across the street friend and a cross country schoolmate to keep in touch with.  It’s a small world, but a rich world.  It’s the best I can do, so I guess it’s enough.

As I step out onto my front porch with birdseed in hand, the eight-inch-deep snow is more like four-inch puffy clouds of snow still melting in this deep freeze of sometimes minus F. temperatures.  Next Monday we begin to thaw.

I will not miss the fear of electricity going out, but I will miss this lovely phenomenon of dry snow, when at the moment the burden of its own weight on a tree bough becomes too much, it falls like a sheet of fluffy white to the ground below… at times on its own and other times with help from a bird.  Mesmerizing!

Sometimes I end by saying ‘stay warm’, but it is also nice to brave the cold and let it immerse you with the spirit of winter and all its complexities.  The cold’s beauty can rival any spring day, for minds that are wide open.  Take care.

Photos including sunset taken week before Christmas.

Other photos taken in January.

Invasive English Ivy (green leaf) (above photo)

Native evergreen wild ginger, Hexastylis arifolia (below)

Some type of winter annual

I believe this is a Cooper's Hawk.

I opened the front door just as this hawk swooped in 

between the house and porch post and flew past my face 

and out through two more porch posts, to the street 

and back again to perch on the dogwood tree 

by the front door steps.

After maybe a five minute stay, it took off 

and flew out between the tall juniper tree and redbud tree 

to hunt elsewhere. 

A breathtaking experience!

(Photo taken through storm door glass, so not the best quality)

The garden out front had a peachy glow,

so I knew there was a pretty sunset on the backside of the house.

Winterberry fruit that is cracked open on a rainy day.

The other seed is from the White Ash tree.

Empty Black Walnut half shell left by squirrel.

Coral Berry or Buck Bush with its berries that last most of winter.

Front of house on a sunny day.

An old type of Narcissis that comes up early,

but waits until it begins to warm up before blooming.

Maybe a House Finch,

 taken through a screened window during snow storm.

Winterberry in snow storm

After 8 to 9 inches of snow has fallen.

We will be seven days below freezing 

with sometimes single digits or minus digits 

in the evenings.

Since this week is never above freezing, 

except a short time one day

this slight snow melt is due to the sun shining.

Some days remain cloudy with no snow melt.

Beautiful male Cardinal

This Post Is Linked To:

My Corner of the World

Saturday's Critters