The Gardens - In the Beginning

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Textures

My life has woven itself together so complicatedly, that it's impossible to tell where one thread begins and another ends.  I dissect it ever so haphazardly in my blog entries, like a movie where one suffers whiplash endlessly careening back and forth in time, or a tornado picking up bits and pieces of the landscape, whirling it in a blender, and throwing off the fragments to land where ever and whatever.

I look in the mirror at the results of the product as it stands at this moment, and that is all I seem to be able to do...just stare.  I don't particularly think life has been good to me, nor do I think it has been out to get me...I don't particularly think anything about it at all.  I'm trying to figure out just when did I breathe so much indifference into every pore of my being.  When did I let go and actually give up on myself.  I remember the dreams I had, although I don't keep them in my head and heart as dreams anymore.

I'm with someone who's philosophy at one time was to put everything on hold until life was exactly where they wanted it, then you get to live.  I used to feel I was put on a shelf in the closet for safe keeping, and whenever everything was perfect, then I would be taken off the shelf to be enjoyed.  I stayed on that shelf for years.  The ability to create became harder, but my gardens, my living work of art, took shape then.

We went about it badly in the beginning, and whatever hardships that ensued were held against me, and the thing I loved so dearly became a thousand thorns in my side.  I reached a point where I rebelled against it all, I think the word bitch was used to describe me more often than not, but I did manage to get myself off that shelf and back into life.  I look at myself today realizing that, although I'm nowhere near a shelf, I don't know how to start my gears back into motion.  I'm living in a watered down version of me, and I'm trying to search back to a time when I was truly just myself.

'What I want to do to inspire me'.  Simple statement...hardest list I have ever tried to put even one answer to.  I finally looked up inspire in the dictionary. Inspire is a word artist use.  Business people use the word motivate, and most of the rest use the word encourage.  I like to believe I'm an artist, I AM an artist, I'm an artist on vacation, I guess.

I'm thinking back to times I lived alone and solely took care of myself, for my inspiration.  What inspires me?  A home full of plants.  I need my gardens inside as well as outside.  Interaction with my pets...playtime...I don't ever play with my pets anymore.  Refreshing breakfasts in the morning, cup of tea or coffee, all on my best china dishes.  I want elegance.  Music, any music, although I'm a classical lover by nature.  I haven't listen to music in my home for years.  I remember when I used to go to bed with an orchestra quietly lullabying me to sleep.  Why did I ever give that up?  I need more sleep...more sleep...I think I remember how that used to feel.  I need to be life revved up, not death warmed over.  I would like to say it's a done thing, but I'm out of practice, and it definitely will be an uphill struggle...at least my list's begun.

I could label this my year to inspire myself, and dare I say, perhaps through that inspire others; but I hate labels, they limit like crazy.  If creativity excels without boundaries, then torch all labels to a pile of glowing embers, because my flight pattern is set to take me to the stars and beyond.   

















































16 comments:

  1. wow, this is a deep one! and your pictures to accompany it are beautiful. kudos to you for reexamining your situation & taking steps to make some changes.

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  2. Hey, Clipped Wings, you are thinking! This is your Best Blog Ever!!! Clearly you are not down for the count and there is more fight in you, some fire still burning. Socretes said the "unexamined life is not worth living," he was right and you will be fine. Off the shelf, maybe fell in the process, but bandaged and bruized, you will find your inspiration! I do it in very small steps.

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  3. You should take great pride in this post. This is a really good piece of writing. Elegant, beautiful, raw, and at times painful to read. This is the work of an artist.

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  4. Excellent post. You ARE inspiring!

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  5. Listen, you inspire me every day!!!! and I do not think that you have been practicing indifference, I think that perhaps you wear a cloak of protection. who wouldn't with the things that have happened in your life. but know, that you always make an encouraging, motivating, inspiring difference in my life!

    xxoo

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  6. So very well written... And the pics are amazing too... We never have snow here in Mumbai and to see such pics excites me!!
    Have a nice day:)

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  7. Clipped - Love it!
    You have either started some new medication, found the Lord, realized life is worth living, all of the above or none of the above. Whatever it is...you have definitely freed up your inspiration.
    Never, never, never, give up. - Winston Churchill

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  8. Kipp - ha ha ha...let just say, some one else's blog woke me up.

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  9. I want you all to know how much I appreciate your wonderful comments.

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  10. Found you through another blog and so glad I did. You have been in a struggle no doubt and are just starting to come away from it.. I wish you all the luck and courage to do exactly what you want to.. You'll get there. It shows in your words that you have an inner strength. Bring it to the surface..

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  11. That is exactly how I feel about things sometimes.
    I get so involved in the day to day, the routine and sometimes I have felt a little lost.
    My husband thinks about things so differently on some things and it's easy to get caught up in it.

    Great blog. For some reason I thought I had followed you but you weren't in my reader.
    Silly me, must have thought I did but didn't. Remedied that.

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  12. You're on the right track: it's the small pleasures that matter most. I wouldn't describe you as 'watered down'. Caring for a cat is a great thing to do - how many happy little lives have you enabled? Got to love you - undilutedly.

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  13. You have such beautiful pictures on your blog!

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  14. this is a wonderful, thoughtful, poignant post
    and it speaks to a lot of the very same feelings I'm having
    well done!!

    I love all your furry ones
    the photos are wonderful
    you can tell they are loved

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  15. I thought for sure that I commented on this post over the weekend, but I mustn't have hit the 'Post Comment' button or something.

    Thanks for stopping by today and commenting. I re-read your post and found it sad, but then inspiring.

    I hope that you get to enjoy the things you love. The little things are so important, they make up the whole.

    I look forward to reading more.

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  16. This comment is to set things straight. Everyone reads something different into this post, and some fail to read it well. I may get down in the dumps, but I am not depressed. I got over that a long time ago when I got myself off that shelf I was put on. The indifference I am talking about is the fact that I have not until now ever even thought about being an artist again. I couldn't figure out how to inspire myself to become creative again, and that has been flustrating, NOT DEPRESSING. I read another artist's blog, and he started each day with two lists, the second one being 'What I want to do to inspire me'. I was having an extremely hard time figuring out anything to put on that list, call it writers block, whatever, then I thought back to when I used to draw and what I did then to be creative, and that is my list. That is the beginning of my plan to create again. This post ends upbeat. This blog is about my life, the happy, the sad, the past, the now. Perhaps I need to make it private. This is in reply to the last comment, which I deleted. Some people need to become better readers, and not read into a post what isn't there.

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