Friday, November 3, 2017

The epiphany of a life stuck dead in its tracks

I'm in counseling.  I'm coming to terms with the revelation that everything I have done in my life, whether happiness, sadness, or madness has all been and still is my choice, and my choice alone.

I seem to be able to screw up my life quite well on my own.  Decades of expectations and regrets has me spiraling into the hell of internal body buzzing, booming ear tinnitus, and Eager Allen Poe blood whooshing through veins syndrome.

My councilor marvels at my tenacity to have made it this far before the stress I've created for myself has begun to take over my well-being.  He calls me a tough cookie, but I'm beginning to feel more like one of the living dead these days.

All I want in life is to be loved, but people I align myself  with either chose not to or are incapable of loving me.  I seem to have sabotaged myself during the entirety of my existence.

My adult years have been spent trying to fix something that I couldn't fix in my childhood, and crippling my life in the process.  This thing will never be fixable.  I have to screw my head on straight and move on.  He says wishing I'd done this years ago isn't an option.  Knowing I'm doing it now is my place to be.

I find this depressing...the fact that I created my own hell on my own terms, and lived in it for so many years.  I woke up today feeling like I can't breathe under the weight of all this knowledge that is crushing me.

Anxiety about my future is my life these days.  He says it's because I'm stuck, that I don't know my options.  He's right.  At this moment I feel like I have no alternatives to explore.  My task is to come up with choices that are realistic, true to myself and good for me.  I don't even know where to begin.  My mission is to live not in the past or the future, but to live in the now.  Sounds easy.

It isn't.

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