The Amazing Andee & the Pumpkinhead Beast

The little Green Orchard

- Walter de La Mare

Some one is always sitting there, 

In the little green orchard;

Even when the sun is high

In noon's unclouded sky,

And faintly droning goes

The bee from rose to rose,

Some one in shadow is sitting there

In the little green orchard.

Yes, when the twilight's falling softly

In the little green orchard;

When the grey dew distills

And every flower-cup fills;

When the last blackbird says,

"What - what!" and goes her way - ssh!

I have heard voices calling softly

In the little green orchard.

Not that I am afraid of being there,

In the little green orchard;

Why, when the moon's been bright,

Shedding her lonesome light,

And moths like ghosties come,

And the horned snail leaves home;

I've sat there, whispering and listening there,

In the little green orchard.

Only it's strange to be feeling there,

In the little green orchard;

Whether you paint or draw,

Dig, hammer, chop or saw;

When you are most alone,

All but the silence gone...

Some one is watching and waiting there,

In the little green orchard.

A terrier dog

in a peat-moss bog

who thought he was a big bully frog

gave three loud croaks to the October moon

as the ghosts of all souls who were tricked and not treated

gathered above that cold mucky mire and shrieked to the heavens on high

swarming like vengeful fists of hungry locust down to the town in Manny Bones Hollow.

"Come closer my lovely little black feline with dainty white paws.  Such beautiful flowing fur, perfecto!  How may the Amazing Andee help you?"

She sits opposite him in the dark.  "Grrrrr... you smarmy libertine."  She leans her head forward into the candlelight and stretches out both her paws, digging their razor sharp claws into the edge of the table.  "Does my future include murder?"

Recognizing Zoe, he regrets for half a second his pumpkinhead fable.  Keeping his cool, he taps the right side of the table with his right paw, then the left side of the table with his left paw, repeating the cycle over and over, as her head follows the movement. "You're feeling sleepy, very sleepy...close your eyes and let the peace of emptiness fill your soul."

"Who's that peeking around the corner.  Ah...!  Come in, shy terrier, and sit."

Leaping up onto the table the terrier lays down.

"On the chair, doofus, sit on the chair!"

The terrier lays down on the chair.

"Sit, dog, sit!!"

The terrier rolls over onto his back.

"Okay, then...down!"

The terrier sits and starts chewing on the corner of the table, reminding the Amazing Andee why dogs are at the bottom of his list of pets one can force themselves to live with.    

"Do you wish your fortune read, mutt, or have you already figured out old dogs don't really have long futures?"

"Dustin's my name.  My owner is falling out of love with me.  Jumping up on her, laying on the furniture, eating out of the cat dishes, jumping up on the bed; she yells at me for everything.  I just want her to keep loving me.  Is that in my future?"

"Poor, poor terrier.  She's testing you and you're failing.  She pushes you away, you stay away.  NO, no, no.  She wants total devotion.  She wants you to prove you're worthy of her time and generosity.  She wants you to jump on her more, to sprawl out all over every piece of furniture, to eat the cat's food right out of their mouths, and to crawl under the bed covers each night.  Then she'll love you completely."

"Oh, I'm so happy.  Thank you, kind kitty."

"It was nothing.  I have a soft spot in my heart for cute little terriers.  Do you have the $20 for the cost of this session?"

"Here it is tucked in between my toes.  I stole it from my owner's purse as you instructed yesterday."

"Good dog!"

He ducks under the curtain covering the doorway, leaving the back room and his warm bed to see who is causing the commotion that has awakened him.  While extreme beauty eludes her, she is far from ugly, and the magic that is working in her behalf rivets his eyes to her as she circles around that crystal ball pawing, clawing and gnawing.  After a minute, annoyed, he breaks her spell with the glass globe.  "I'm closed for business until late this eve, spirited calico.  Come back then."

She circles the globe once more and with an air of haughtiness leaps onto his chair.  She sits, washing her left paw and then her right paw, never once looking his way.  She puts her front paws on the table edge and looks coquettishly into his misty green eyes.  "Come closer, big guy, and let me foretell your future."

The urge to take a flying leap, wrestle her to the ground, and kick the living daylights out of her lasts only moments, as he searches for his inner zen to remain super calm.  He moseys over to the chair taking his own sweet time, jumps up, and faces her with that death stare he has perfected so well over his many years.

"Oh, I see you have a closed mind to this session.  You're not going to make it easy for little Lacey, are you?"

"Let me tell you your fate, you little ragamuffin of a twerp."

"Oh, you're so cute when you're all hot and bothered." 

He knows cats can't smile, he's tried it a hundred times, but that Mona Lisa stance seems to encompass her whole being.  It's un-nerving.  "Out of my chair, or I'll have that birdbrain terrier next door run you off the premises, you charlatan in wolf's clothing."

"Oh! I'm so scared! I'm shaking all over.  Miss Lacey wants to tell you your fortune, you little teddy bear, please, pretty pleaseeeee."

"No."

"Please?"

"NO!"

"PLEASE?"

"NO-NO-NO!"

"PLEASE-PLEASE-PLEASE?"

Curling up into his cozy warm bed, he's trying to block out all that noise from her fortune telling sessions in the front room this evening.  He's hoping she'll be gone come daybreak, but good fortune will make a detour to the other side of the planet tonight, and The Amazing Andee will never be alone again.