There was a time when I was young - just after the dinosaurs met their demise. While not a great beauty, I was considered quite pretty and intelligent. I could always turn a gentleman's head, but relationships never lasted long, as the man was so wrong as far as the rest of my life was concerned.
I dragged around a collection of dirty old suitcases stuffed with baggage from my childhood, much like old Bob Cratchit of Dicken's Christmas Carol. Feelings of insecurity and low self worth stunted my progress at the things I considered most important in my life.
I was raised not to be sustainable on my own, but to get married if I wanted the finer things in life. I worked hard at jobs where at least 65% of my income went towards tacky housing in seedy neighborhoods. I felt a prisoner in a life I could only except.
I managed to put myself through one year of college, but it became my goal of survival to marry into more money than I made myself to pull myself out of poverty. It's a story that doesn't have too happy of an ending, but I'm ancient now; and although not rich, I have many comforts of life.
A Common Eastern Bumblebee, I think.
Wild onion beginning to bloom
Black Stink Bug
Small flowers on American Beautyberry
Lacewing Larvae with its shield of dead bug carcasses .
These insects are seen quite a bit around here.
Native Wild Petunia
Flowers fade and drop off by mid afternoon.
Joe Pye Weed beginning to bloom
I love this one.
A life like mine has many stories to tell, and some I wish to never tell. While I poured my heart out in the early years of this blog about much of the unhappiness I carried through my life, no words of these writings exist now. I chose it to be that way.
I suppose this blog is a personal one, and also a garden one at times. Since I never garden 24 hours a day, I find writing about only one subject a bit of a bore for me. I stress myself striving for my version of perfection in the production of my stories before one ever goes to print. It's the artist in me, to never give up until satisfied. I garden that way also...worse luck :( It's exhausting.
Tonight is about fond memories one year while working in what I called the Woolworth of casinos. Only the old will remember these five and ten-cent stores. It was a rundown casino owned by an old grumpy man with ties to the mafia at some time in his life.
His wife would often accompany him from their living quarters above, and stand in the main cashier cage to survey their workers and customers. Their two mean old crooked toothed schnauzers would mill around the cage nipping at our heels at times. I worked the main cashier cage, then the credit department area of the cage. Crap jobs, but the pay came with benefits.
With the Rose Mallow Bee
Bumblebee resting in the heat of day in slowly closing mallow flower.
After much searching, I think this is an Assassin Bug,
maybe Stenolemus bituberus. I saw it finish eating a spider,
and what's left of the spider is underneath it.
Black ground beetle taking a swim before dinner.
He was rescued and thanked me by scurrying for his life.
Orange Butterflyweed (Milkweed)
Since I mostly dealt with frustrated scared angry people as a credit cashier, the job was riddled with reasons to toss in the towel and move back home to start over again, but failure had a nasty taste in my mouth; therefore, I never allowed myself to move backwards unless a gun was pointed at my head. I dosed with Excedrin for the headaches, and tossed the job in the trash can on my days off.
It was during one of these encounters with an angered man who threw himself across the counter in a fit of rage and grabbed me by my neck, that I met the love of my life for the next year and a half. Please keep your head out of the clouds, as this isn't a romance centered around lust.
Saved by a somewhat good looking security guard twice my age, business settled back down to the usual. He became my friendly confident, a person I could trust with all my thoughts. We talked in spare moments on the job when business was slower than usual.
Dinners eventually entered the picture, and I guess one could say I was slowly... very slowly swept off my feet. He became the person I always wanted to be with, the person who lite up my life like slow burning embers.
Autumn Minaret Daylily with Planthopper insect.
I think these insects originally came from Australia.
Hard life for this echinacea cone flower.
Caught raiding the sack of soiled seed leavings from the bird feeder cleaning.
Just look at him waiting for me to go back into the house,
so he can continue his thievery :)
No longer remember the type of lily this is.
A free small bulb during Master Gardener year,
and it is still alive with a bit of a struggle.
Bumblebee with Clematis Viorna
Yellow Blackberry Lily
One knows how love is in the beginning...you're floating on pure emotions. The world is glossed over in perfection, and nothing ever gets the best of you. It's like Nirvana, where all is as it should be and life is pure happiness.
His mother had been one of the Ziegfeld Follies in the twenties, and to dance with him was as if the music was wrapping itself around us as we barely touched the floor. He was addictive, but eventually I floated right out of his arms into reality.
Struggling from a divorce, he was living in his camper truck and I gradually had to let go of the illusion there would be any future between us. He was my piece of resistance while at that old casino, and he will always be remembered with fondness.
We live...we die. In the in-between the ultimate quest is to love and be loved. I've accomplished the former many times, the latter few times, but to keep score isn't the point. To be happy is, and while I had my dancing partner, I felt like the happiest lady on earth.